It is no secret the enemy prowls about seeking to steal, kill and destroy.  Evil lurks around every corner and is ready to pounce on the smallest perceived weakness.  It seems more and more our families are under attack and are being destroyed.  If the enemy can demolish a family unit, there is an inevitable ripple effect sometimes trickling down through generations.  So, what do you do if you find your marriage at risk?   How do you know when to keep fighting or to throw in the towel?

1. Pray

Simple as that.  I’ve shared I spent HOURS flat on my face before the Lord.  I begged Him to save my marriage. I begged Him to give me back my life.  I begged Him to remove the evil that had entered my home. I stayed in close communion with Him and He carried me.  Sometimes I look back and really can’t fathom how I made it. But in hindsight, I know it was because I was directly seeking His will and guidance.

2. Seek support

You are in a battle for your marriage.  More so, you are in a battle for your family and quite possibly your livelihood and sanity.  It’s imperative you seek out pastoral or Christian counseling or a licensed marriage therapist.  You will need someone to help you and your spouse sort through and mediate the issues destroying your marriage.  Through counseling, I learned SO MUCH about my actions that attributed to the failure of my marriage.  Actions I might not have necessarily been able to recognize and grow from had an unbiased third party not brought them to my attention.  And I OWN each of these.

In addition to seeking support from a professional, consider reaching out to others who have walked the path before you.  Love it or hate it, one of the first places I turned was the Internet.  Specifically, I found a plethora of information on www.marriagebuilders.com.  Dr. William Harley and his team have successfully restored thousands of marriages with their proven strategy of marriage building.  In addition, there is an anonymous discussion forum where you can post and receive advice from others who are pro-marriage.  Much of my solace during the fight for my marriage came from an anonymous group of ladies who had a similar situation as me.  Some had marriages restored.  Others did not. Yet they knew and understood ALL of the emotions I experienced and knew precisely the advice to provide.

3. Just stop.

If you are reading this and your marriage is in trouble because you are emotionally or physically involved with another, just stop.    End it right now.  The temporary rush you feel is fake and your relationship is based on lies. Cut off absolutely all contact.  No exceptions.  It IS NOT God ordained.  This is NOT His will.  Don’t try to justify it.  It doesn’t matter what your spouse is doing or not doing to meet your needs, if you are seeking solace in the arms of another who is NOT your spouse, you are in the wrong.  Here is an EXCELLENT post by Michael Hyatt that sums it up better than I ever could:

Thinking About an Affair? Count the Cost: 8 Reasons You Should Run, Not Walk, from Infidelity

4. Fight and fight hard.

I despise conflict more than anybody, but when it came to my marriage I was willing to endure MUCH more than usual in hopes of restoration.  I was determined to try every. single. thing. possible before I threw in the towel.  When everything went south, I had 12 years invested in my marriage and I wasn’t about to throw it away quickly.  Thus, I began a two and half year UPHILL battle to save my marriage.  Don’t give up at the first sign of trouble. Don’t go down without a fight.

5. Be willing to forgive.

Many times over the course of my marriage, I would hear of others walking through marital struggles, and I would IMMEDIATELY say, “Well, if my husband did X, I would do Y.”  Then when I found myself smack dab in the middle of X, I didn’t do Y.  All I wanted was my marriage saved, restored.  I wasn’t quick to forgive, but I was at least willing. (Forgiveness came much later down the road.)  I didn’t automatically jump to the Y scenario.  And I learned, you never know what you’ll do until the X situation becomes your own.

6. Don’t reheat sins for breakfast.

If your marriage is in trouble, it’s inevitable one spouse (or maybe both) have wronged the other and there are strong feelings of animosity. Hear me when I say, it WILL NEVER WORK if you are constantly reminding the offender of the offenses.  If you are lucky enough to have a spouse who’s remorseful, don’t give into the temptation of reminding them how they have wronged or hurt you.  You will only drive a wedge further between you.  Trust me, I hurled PLENTY of insults after the initial shock. “How could you do this to me?”  “You ruined my life!”  “How will I ever forgive you?” But I quickly learned these cuts were doing more damage than good.

7. Read, read and read some more.

I honestly can’t tell you how many books I read during that two and half year period. Anything and everything I could get my hands on related to marriage crises, infidelity, restoration and forgiveness, found its way into my library.  I had no point of reference and wanted desperately to be armed with the tools I needed to fight this battle. Many of the books I read contained valuable life lessons I apply today.

A few recommendations:
Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall
Surviving An Affair by William Harley
His Needs, Her Needs by William Harley
Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson
Plan B by Pete Wilson
God’s Story, Your Story: When His Becomes Yours by Max Lucado
To Be Told by Dan Allender

8. No when to fold ‘em.

Sometimes after your best and most diligent efforts, your marriage will not be saved. Even though I tried to control the circumstances during the two and half year battle and I followed each of the actions above, it became increasing evident the handwriting was on the wall.  The Lord had given me biblical basis for divorce.  It’s not what I wanted.  But after putting forth my very best effort at restoration, I decided my fight was over.  It came to a point where I was exhausted. I was tired of crying.  I was battle weary. And my ex-husband was far from being on board for restoration.  I know the Lord blessed my decision, because after walking out of my attorney’s office, I felt the sweetest peace and relief I had ever known.   It was finally going to be over.  Please hear my heart and know I would NEVER advocate for divorce, but there definitely comes a point when you have to start thinking of you, your future and the outlook and quality of life you will have.

And as a sidebar, it is NEVER God’s will for you to be abused in ANY fashion.  Your safety and mental health comes first.  If you are being abused, get out of the situation as quickly and as safely as you can.  You are the child of the KING and deserve to be treated as such.

If your marriage is at risk, please know my heart ACHES for you.  For me personally, there has never been such a trying time in all my life.  Please know no matter how it turns out, this season WILL PASS and you WILL find joy again.  This truth was spoken into me during my trial, and I didn’t believe it for a minute.  But on this side of the fence, I can tell you our Father redeems all things and you will be whole once again.  Hold tightly to this truth.

If you have walked through a marriage at risk and whether your marriage was saved OR ended in divorce, what lessons did you learn?  Please share in the comments below. You have no idea how the advice of others who walked before me speaks into my life.  You can be that voice for others.