Every couple weeks, I get asked this question:  How did you know you were done? When did you know when to say when?  Meaning when did I know my marriage was over and it was time to pull the plug.  There is not a cookie cutter answer that works best for every marriage or relationship.  But there are a few key things that signaled the obvious for me. As I have said, I would never, NEVER advocate for divorce.  But for me, there came a point I was done.  And I never looked back.

My decision to file was not one made in haste.  I fought for over 2 VERY LONG years.  After all, at that point, I had 12 years invested and wasn’t about to go down without a fight.  In my early married years (when I had OH SO MUCH WISDOM), I distinctly remember a sweet friend in the same situation as me.  And I proclaimed, “If my husband EVER did that, he would be gone.”  Well, let me be the first to tell you, until you walk a mile in those shoes, you don’t know WHAT YOU WOULD DO. When I found myself slap in the middle of the greatest crisis of my life, my first instinct wasn’t to run; it was to SAVE.

I loved my now ex-husband despite him causing the greatest pain I had ever known. I wanted to rebuild.  I wanted a NEW marriage.  I wanted the life I had planned!

But as time moved on, it became more and more evident he didn’t have the same desires.  He bought a lie and was very busy wrapped up trying to conceal and cover his actions that brought devastation upon multiple families.  Along with that, came near constant untruths resulting in additional heartache.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me, was one. final. massive. lie.  And with that, I knew I was done.

I was tired of fighting.  I was tired of crying.  I was tired of covering up the “fairy tale life” my peers, colleagues and even family perceived me to have.  I had to relinquish my pride and admit that good, Christian girls DO sometimes get divorced.

For the almost two years leading up to this moment, I stayed in constant communion with my Father.  Some days, it looked textbook:  prayer journal, Bible open, head bowed and knees bent.  Other days it was full on tears, anger and shouts.  Some days I felt He was listening and near.  Other days I wondered if my prayers went past the ceiling.  But this I know:  He was my Rock, my Constant and my Savior.  His heart was breaking in 1997 (when I married), because He SAW my heart break in 2009.  Because He is omniscient, He placed one divine friend in my path in 2001 who would later unselfishly walk with me DAILY over the course of those long two years.  She bathed me in scriptures of hope and promise and covered me with constant prayer.

Somewhere along those two years, the Bible became more alive to me than ever before in my life.  God hates divorce.  The Bible makes that very clear.  But He had mercy on me, and gave me a biblical basis to file.  He also provided scripture after scripture after scripture to ensure me I had a future! A future filled with beauty from ashes.

A few days after the one. final. massive. lie, I walked into my attorney’s office to surrender.  I knew that I knew that I knew I was making the right decision.  I had not once ounce of regret, worry or even doubt.  I could never say I didn’t try or fight.  I knew in my being I had done everything I could and my conscience was clear.

After things were put in motion, and I walked out of my attorney’s office, the Lord blessed me with the sweetest peace and relief I had ever known!  I honestly can’t put it into words.  It was going to be over; I was done.  I had fought the good fight, and I had finished THIS race.

So when did I know to say when?  When I had not one ounce of doubt or dismay that I was making the right decision.  When I had NO REGRETS or SHAME for the choice I had made.  When the Lord washed me with a peace that passes understanding. When He assured me I would be whole once again. And…I AM NEW!

If you are reading this and are contemplating divorce, I beg a few things of you:

1. DO NOT make an immediate decision. Take time to pray over it, over your spouse and over the consequences.
2. If you have even an OUNCE of doubt, don’t file. Wait, wait, wait until you have the clear go ahead from our Father.
3. Do everything in your power to save your marriage. Whether it’s reading, counseling, A COMPLETE CHANGE OF HEART, or even, dare I say, FORGIVE, do it!  Depending upon WHY you are considering divorce, it may even seem irrational to stay married. But, ohhhh to be a part of the redemptive work in your AND your spouse’s heart and to be a living, breathing testimony of rising from ashes…  Just think how the Lord could use you!!!! Never hesitate to err on the side of marriage.
4. Stay in constant dialogue with our Father, even when He seems silent and even when you think He isn’t working to save you or your marriage. I am living proof you CAN live again after divorce and you can thrive. And this directly ties back to my Source of hope, peace and promise!
5. Please refer back to my post 8 Action Steps for a Marriage At Risk for additional thoughts and resources. 

If I’m being honest, this was a tough post to write.  Some people will read this and immediately jump to judgment because I made the decision to divorce, despite having biblical basis.  And you know what? I’m perfectly OK with that.  Different strokes for different folks. I can only speak for what the Lord impressed upon my heart and the guidance He provided me.  And again, this looks different for every single person.  The Lord will bless you with the specific wisdom you need for your circumstance.

What about you?  If you are divorced, when did you know when to say when? Did you also experience the peace that passes understanding? Of if you walked through fire and your marriage was saved, what can you attribute that to? How has the Lord used your story of redemption? If you feel led, I’d love for you to share your heart in the comments below.